Motherhood

I honestly have no idea if I have the time or desire to keep this thing up but I figure I got some shit on my mind so will share to all who are bored enough to read. All I can fit in before she wakes up hungry.

Motherhood...
What else do I have to write about right now?

I'll share some last thoughts about pregnancy first. I had no idea what a profound experience pregnancy and motherhood would be. Absolutely no idea. I knew I would love the little baby growing inside of me but maybe I was just a little stand off-ish due to the annoying complications I was experiencing. Frankly, I think I was really scared. My one goal was to just keep myself as healthy as I possibly could so that I could give my little fetus every chance to be as healthy as she could be. It helped to hear the doctor exclaim that she was thriving after each ultrasound. I had so many at the end- and enjoyed each one. Even the one I got when I had just gone into labor.

One thing about pregnancy that I enjoyed was to have no body image complex. I felt beautiful. I have struggled with my weight since I quit smoking and especially since our house fire that happened a few years ago. I think I just didn't care for a while...plus, my metabolism changed pretty drastically in my late 20's. I thank my genes for that one and my love for cooking great food. Seems like everyone else enjoys my cooking and I gain the weight for them!! Luckily, I had lost a bit of weight and had started exercising very regularly about a year or so before I got pregnant so was in pretty good shape for it.

Labor and delivery was the most difficult thing I have ever done and probably will ever do (unless I have another baby!) My water broke at 1am on my due date. My dog Zoie seemed to know it was going to happen. I was really emotional and just felt out of sorts all that day. I had been having contractions for about 2 weeks (that totally sucked) but things just felt different somehow. I had experienced so many false alarms that I didn't get too excited. The doctor was probably going to induce me on my due date so that whole day before was just filled with a range of emotions. Around midnight I decided to try to go to bed. Hons and I were laying in bed talking about things for a bit- I got pretty emotional and just started crying for some reason- I was really scared and ready for it all to be over. I felt so silly- I told him I had this overwhelming urge to go to the store to shop for groceries to get us stocked up. We laughed at how silly the image of me shopping frantically at midnight...10 months pregnant! Finally we figured we should get some sleep since I would most likely be having a baby the next day. Zoie had come into the bedroom with us, which was strange because we had pretty successfully got her to start sleeping in our front room in preparation for the new baby. She wouldn't leave me alone. At first, I thought it was because I was upset but we had started laughing at my emotional state and it didn't even calm her down. She laid down right next to the bed as close to me as she could get and stayed there when I tried to go to sleep- acting like a little nurse. It wasn't long and I got this strange feeling so walked into the bathroom - the dog had to follow me. I felt this "pop" - felt like my back popped?...strangest sensation...and my water broke.
I was so excited to say "honey, it's time" except he sat up a bit, said "ok" and laid back down. I had to say it again much more forcefully, including the fact that I was going to have this baby! He about jumped out of bed and started trying to throw on clothes. I told him to relax because I wasn't getting strong contractions. It was so funny to me though!

We called many family members- all of them had insisted to be called any time of day (or night) when it was "time." My Mom drove over to the house to follow us to the hospital and all of our dogs were strangely calm when she came in. So we headed off to the hospital and were able to take our time since my contractions weren't bad at all yet

It was so different than I expected. They wouldn't let me get out of bed since my water had broken. I was seriously pissed because I knew this would slow things down. And slow it was. After 8 hours they started me on pitocin. A nurse had mentioned that since I had previous surgery - things might be slowed down due to scar tissue and I might not dilate quickly. Well...that's exactly what happened.

The pitocin did it's job and the contractions started coming stronger and stronger. I tried a couple of hours of very hard labor without pain meds and then opted for this narcotic pain relief. I had a great time between contractions but it got to be nearly unbearable when they came. Turns out, they had upped my pitocin too much and I wasn't getting a break between contractions. So I said ok to an epidural. That epidural was the best decision I could have made. It was like heaven after the pain I had been experiencing.

Finally, things started progressing slowly and another 8 hours or so went by. Before I knew it they told me I was 10 cm dilated and that I could push. I won't bother to share the experience of 2 1/2 hours of pushing- it was pretty hellish. Though, when I was really close, the nurse told me to stop- that was the one time I really freaked out. My Mom and husband (my most awesome labor coaches) thought I was going to jump off that table after her. I remember that the urge to push was so overwhelming that I had to go into this meditative state. Everyone thought I passed out but I was psyching myself up to deliver her. I really didn't think that I had the strength to do it so had to pull strength from everything around me and stir this energy from deep inside myself. I came out of it ready to go and when I saw my doctor walk in I knew it wouldn't be long.

Watching my baby come out of me in that mirror above me was more than I can describe. I can't believe I did that!!! It was so vivid and surreal. It's like I was in someone else's body and was floating above myself at the same time. They handed her to me and I just stared- I didn't start crying immediately as I thought I would. She was perfect and didn't look too bad for a newborn (some are really funky!). It hit me about 10 minutes after I had her and the tears started pouring. All of us were crying and the love and amazement started to hit me.

The last 7+ weeks have been so wonderful. I can honestly say that I have a purpose in life now. The feeling of love is so overwhelming that it sometimes just overtakes me. I guess this is what they mean when they say unconditional love. My body somehow lets me know when she's hungry and the ability to feed her is more moving than I thought possible.

This is my birth story and I can't say I would do it again too soon but it is completely worth it...that's what every mother says and I agree completely.
She is calling me to eat. And I gladly stop whatever I'm doing...