I spent a good portion of this morning thinking about how connected I feel to the Earth and to my fellow animals by my ability to produce milk. Just the thought of producing this wonderful life-sustaining "liquid gold" as I call it just blows me away.
I have always observed connections in my life. Maybe an object that I see over and over with symbolic meaning, maybe a word, whatever...this connection is unlike anything I have experienced so far. I know we are animals- but so often, being human feels so separate from the animal world. It is just this feeling that I am in no better, no worse than any other mammal.
Even the awareness of what I put in my body right now is magnified. What I ingest is given to my child so I still load up on fruits and veggies and watch the not so good things that I could eat or drink.
It's just such a primitive and natural feeling...with primitive having no negative or "lower" meaning.
It 's like I'm filled with this wonder for life- like I am seeing the world, even in a small way, through my child's eyes. Also, I have observed that when things slow down- either by tragedy or through joy...just something life-changing- things just seem to slow down and you get a chance to really see. To notice your connection to the world around you, and also, that sometimes life really can and does go on without you.
I noticed this so much after our house fire. I had never come so close to death. I watched those around us dig out the charred remains of our belongings trying to salvage anything of sentimental value to us. It may sound cryptic, but the fire chief said, had we been in bed (it started in our bedroom) we would have sat up, maybe realized something was wrong and then passed out from carbon monoxide. This shook me so much because we had a window, literally ,a foot away from the bed, but he said it wouldn't have mattered. Life was never the same after learning this and seeing what I saw.
I saw all that would have been left of our life- of us...I guess what people would have been able to pull out- our stuff. During this, I had that slow down and saw the most amazing connections. For example, the only book that was really not charred just fell off the charred book case- it was called "birth of the phoenix" To me, this really told me that we did have a new life to begin- however difficult it would be to begin again.
I honestly have not been the same person since that whole experience. I went through a very deep, very long depression and through a lot of soul searching.
Maybe this is why I am able to share. To see new life and absolute joy is just indescribable. It is also amazing to see the same sort of interconnectedness with the world around me. I am making an effort to keep this slowed down energy in me so my life doesn't just pass me.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
listen out
We are totally hooked on Project Runway now. If you were into it as well this year then you will be familiar with the winner, Christian's use of the word "fierce"
I'm just waiting for the word "fierce" to be the new "in" word. I already heard it on a phone commercial- who knows if there's any connection
We'll see though...
I'm just waiting for the word "fierce" to be the new "in" word. I already heard it on a phone commercial- who knows if there's any connection
We'll see though...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
When did the Cheetos cheetah become so creepy?
http://www.slate.com/id/2186601/?GT1=38001
I was just commenting on this last night. Guess someone else noticed too.
While this person likes the new Chester cheetah, I think it's getting rather creepy
I was just commenting on this last night. Guess someone else noticed too.
While this person likes the new Chester cheetah, I think it's getting rather creepy
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Motherhood
I honestly have no idea if I have the time or desire to keep this thing up but I figure I got some shit on my mind so will share to all who are bored enough to read. All I can fit in before she wakes up hungry.
Motherhood...
What else do I have to write about right now?
I'll share some last thoughts about pregnancy first. I had no idea what a profound experience pregnancy and motherhood would be. Absolutely no idea. I knew I would love the little baby growing inside of me but maybe I was just a little stand off-ish due to the annoying complications I was experiencing. Frankly, I think I was really scared. My one goal was to just keep myself as healthy as I possibly could so that I could give my little fetus every chance to be as healthy as she could be. It helped to hear the doctor exclaim that she was thriving after each ultrasound. I had so many at the end- and enjoyed each one. Even the one I got when I had just gone into labor.
One thing about pregnancy that I enjoyed was to have no body image complex. I felt beautiful. I have struggled with my weight since I quit smoking and especially since our house fire that happened a few years ago. I think I just didn't care for a while...plus, my metabolism changed pretty drastically in my late 20's. I thank my genes for that one and my love for cooking great food. Seems like everyone else enjoys my cooking and I gain the weight for them!! Luckily, I had lost a bit of weight and had started exercising very regularly about a year or so before I got pregnant so was in pretty good shape for it.
Labor and delivery was the most difficult thing I have ever done and probably will ever do (unless I have another baby!) My water broke at 1am on my due date. My dog Zoie seemed to know it was going to happen. I was really emotional and just felt out of sorts all that day. I had been having contractions for about 2 weeks (that totally sucked) but things just felt different somehow. I had experienced so many false alarms that I didn't get too excited. The doctor was probably going to induce me on my due date so that whole day before was just filled with a range of emotions. Around midnight I decided to try to go to bed. Hons and I were laying in bed talking about things for a bit- I got pretty emotional and just started crying for some reason- I was really scared and ready for it all to be over. I felt so silly- I told him I had this overwhelming urge to go to the store to shop for groceries to get us stocked up. We laughed at how silly the image of me shopping frantically at midnight...10 months pregnant! Finally we figured we should get some sleep since I would most likely be having a baby the next day. Zoie had come into the bedroom with us, which was strange because we had pretty successfully got her to start sleeping in our front room in preparation for the new baby. She wouldn't leave me alone. At first, I thought it was because I was upset but we had started laughing at my emotional state and it didn't even calm her down. She laid down right next to the bed as close to me as she could get and stayed there when I tried to go to sleep- acting like a little nurse. It wasn't long and I got this strange feeling so walked into the bathroom - the dog had to follow me. I felt this "pop" - felt like my back popped?...strangest sensation...and my water broke.
I was so excited to say "honey, it's time" except he sat up a bit, said "ok" and laid back down. I had to say it again much more forcefully, including the fact that I was going to have this baby! He about jumped out of bed and started trying to throw on clothes. I told him to relax because I wasn't getting strong contractions. It was so funny to me though!
We called many family members- all of them had insisted to be called any time of day (or night) when it was "time." My Mom drove over to the house to follow us to the hospital and all of our dogs were strangely calm when she came in. So we headed off to the hospital and were able to take our time since my contractions weren't bad at all yet
It was so different than I expected. They wouldn't let me get out of bed since my water had broken. I was seriously pissed because I knew this would slow things down. And slow it was. After 8 hours they started me on pitocin. A nurse had mentioned that since I had previous surgery - things might be slowed down due to scar tissue and I might not dilate quickly. Well...that's exactly what happened.
The pitocin did it's job and the contractions started coming stronger and stronger. I tried a couple of hours of very hard labor without pain meds and then opted for this narcotic pain relief. I had a great time between contractions but it got to be nearly unbearable when they came. Turns out, they had upped my pitocin too much and I wasn't getting a break between contractions. So I said ok to an epidural. That epidural was the best decision I could have made. It was like heaven after the pain I had been experiencing.
Finally, things started progressing slowly and another 8 hours or so went by. Before I knew it they told me I was 10 cm dilated and that I could push. I won't bother to share the experience of 2 1/2 hours of pushing- it was pretty hellish. Though, when I was really close, the nurse told me to stop- that was the one time I really freaked out. My Mom and husband (my most awesome labor coaches) thought I was going to jump off that table after her. I remember that the urge to push was so overwhelming that I had to go into this meditative state. Everyone thought I passed out but I was psyching myself up to deliver her. I really didn't think that I had the strength to do it so had to pull strength from everything around me and stir this energy from deep inside myself. I came out of it ready to go and when I saw my doctor walk in I knew it wouldn't be long.
Watching my baby come out of me in that mirror above me was more than I can describe. I can't believe I did that!!! It was so vivid and surreal. It's like I was in someone else's body and was floating above myself at the same time. They handed her to me and I just stared- I didn't start crying immediately as I thought I would. She was perfect and didn't look too bad for a newborn (some are really funky!). It hit me about 10 minutes after I had her and the tears started pouring. All of us were crying and the love and amazement started to hit me.
The last 7+ weeks have been so wonderful. I can honestly say that I have a purpose in life now. The feeling of love is so overwhelming that it sometimes just overtakes me. I guess this is what they mean when they say unconditional love. My body somehow lets me know when she's hungry and the ability to feed her is more moving than I thought possible.
This is my birth story and I can't say I would do it again too soon but it is completely worth it...that's what every mother says and I agree completely.
She is calling me to eat. And I gladly stop whatever I'm doing...
Motherhood...
What else do I have to write about right now?
I'll share some last thoughts about pregnancy first. I had no idea what a profound experience pregnancy and motherhood would be. Absolutely no idea. I knew I would love the little baby growing inside of me but maybe I was just a little stand off-ish due to the annoying complications I was experiencing. Frankly, I think I was really scared. My one goal was to just keep myself as healthy as I possibly could so that I could give my little fetus every chance to be as healthy as she could be. It helped to hear the doctor exclaim that she was thriving after each ultrasound. I had so many at the end- and enjoyed each one. Even the one I got when I had just gone into labor.
One thing about pregnancy that I enjoyed was to have no body image complex. I felt beautiful. I have struggled with my weight since I quit smoking and especially since our house fire that happened a few years ago. I think I just didn't care for a while...plus, my metabolism changed pretty drastically in my late 20's. I thank my genes for that one and my love for cooking great food. Seems like everyone else enjoys my cooking and I gain the weight for them!! Luckily, I had lost a bit of weight and had started exercising very regularly about a year or so before I got pregnant so was in pretty good shape for it.
Labor and delivery was the most difficult thing I have ever done and probably will ever do (unless I have another baby!) My water broke at 1am on my due date. My dog Zoie seemed to know it was going to happen. I was really emotional and just felt out of sorts all that day. I had been having contractions for about 2 weeks (that totally sucked) but things just felt different somehow. I had experienced so many false alarms that I didn't get too excited. The doctor was probably going to induce me on my due date so that whole day before was just filled with a range of emotions. Around midnight I decided to try to go to bed. Hons and I were laying in bed talking about things for a bit- I got pretty emotional and just started crying for some reason- I was really scared and ready for it all to be over. I felt so silly- I told him I had this overwhelming urge to go to the store to shop for groceries to get us stocked up. We laughed at how silly the image of me shopping frantically at midnight...10 months pregnant! Finally we figured we should get some sleep since I would most likely be having a baby the next day. Zoie had come into the bedroom with us, which was strange because we had pretty successfully got her to start sleeping in our front room in preparation for the new baby. She wouldn't leave me alone. At first, I thought it was because I was upset but we had started laughing at my emotional state and it didn't even calm her down. She laid down right next to the bed as close to me as she could get and stayed there when I tried to go to sleep- acting like a little nurse. It wasn't long and I got this strange feeling so walked into the bathroom - the dog had to follow me. I felt this "pop" - felt like my back popped?...strangest sensation...and my water broke.
I was so excited to say "honey, it's time" except he sat up a bit, said "ok" and laid back down. I had to say it again much more forcefully, including the fact that I was going to have this baby! He about jumped out of bed and started trying to throw on clothes. I told him to relax because I wasn't getting strong contractions. It was so funny to me though!
We called many family members- all of them had insisted to be called any time of day (or night) when it was "time." My Mom drove over to the house to follow us to the hospital and all of our dogs were strangely calm when she came in. So we headed off to the hospital and were able to take our time since my contractions weren't bad at all yet
It was so different than I expected. They wouldn't let me get out of bed since my water had broken. I was seriously pissed because I knew this would slow things down. And slow it was. After 8 hours they started me on pitocin. A nurse had mentioned that since I had previous surgery - things might be slowed down due to scar tissue and I might not dilate quickly. Well...that's exactly what happened.
The pitocin did it's job and the contractions started coming stronger and stronger. I tried a couple of hours of very hard labor without pain meds and then opted for this narcotic pain relief. I had a great time between contractions but it got to be nearly unbearable when they came. Turns out, they had upped my pitocin too much and I wasn't getting a break between contractions. So I said ok to an epidural. That epidural was the best decision I could have made. It was like heaven after the pain I had been experiencing.
Finally, things started progressing slowly and another 8 hours or so went by. Before I knew it they told me I was 10 cm dilated and that I could push. I won't bother to share the experience of 2 1/2 hours of pushing- it was pretty hellish. Though, when I was really close, the nurse told me to stop- that was the one time I really freaked out. My Mom and husband (my most awesome labor coaches) thought I was going to jump off that table after her. I remember that the urge to push was so overwhelming that I had to go into this meditative state. Everyone thought I passed out but I was psyching myself up to deliver her. I really didn't think that I had the strength to do it so had to pull strength from everything around me and stir this energy from deep inside myself. I came out of it ready to go and when I saw my doctor walk in I knew it wouldn't be long.
Watching my baby come out of me in that mirror above me was more than I can describe. I can't believe I did that!!! It was so vivid and surreal. It's like I was in someone else's body and was floating above myself at the same time. They handed her to me and I just stared- I didn't start crying immediately as I thought I would. She was perfect and didn't look too bad for a newborn (some are really funky!). It hit me about 10 minutes after I had her and the tears started pouring. All of us were crying and the love and amazement started to hit me.
The last 7+ weeks have been so wonderful. I can honestly say that I have a purpose in life now. The feeling of love is so overwhelming that it sometimes just overtakes me. I guess this is what they mean when they say unconditional love. My body somehow lets me know when she's hungry and the ability to feed her is more moving than I thought possible.
This is my birth story and I can't say I would do it again too soon but it is completely worth it...that's what every mother says and I agree completely.
She is calling me to eat. And I gladly stop whatever I'm doing...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Yea, yea, yea
Well...I am no longer waiting for my baby anymore! There has been a bit of a delay in posting a new blog (not like I was great at updating on a regular basis anyway!) Since the little one has arrived I've discovered that I have absolutely no time to write!
As of right now, she just started crying for me so I must wrap this up very quickly.
I am totally in love though- she's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to us and words just can't describe the feeling.
I will try to find more time and words to update later though.
Poor baby's getting rather upset and hungry (I am amazed at just how much they eat!) so so long for now!
As of right now, she just started crying for me so I must wrap this up very quickly.
I am totally in love though- she's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to us and words just can't describe the feeling.
I will try to find more time and words to update later though.
Poor baby's getting rather upset and hungry (I am amazed at just how much they eat!) so so long for now!
Friday, December 7, 2007
Waiting Game
Been having mild contractions since Tuesday. They informed me that my contractions were 5 minutes apart when I was on the monitor and I didn't even realize I was having them. The doctor really thought I was going to have the baby soon.
Three days have passed now and some of the contractions have gotten stronger and I'm a little more uncomfortable but nothing yet. I kind of regret knowing that I started having those contractions because time is passing so so slowly.
I have had little "freak outs" where I'll look around the house and see how disgusting it is and will then have to start cleaning like a mad woman...yes, I sound like a typical 9+ month pregnant woman. The house really was bad though since I have been unable to do much from being so sick- but it is slowly getting clean. Now my attitude about bed rest is- screw it! I'm going to clean and shop and walk and whatever else as long as I feel comfortable because I know this will help get things moving. I'm resting and monitoring things.
I think part of my little "freak out" episodes is this overwhelming anxiety about labor and about being a parent. Bringing in a newborn into this house and being responsible for it just seems overwhelming sometimes. Though, just recently babies on TV- especially little newborns are looking really cute to me and I sometimes daydream about her laying next to me on the couch. I am thinking this has to be all a part of the prep work my body and mind is doing right now.
I had not anticipated having to miss so much work and keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I probably should have gone in today but the contractions were actually painful enough to keep me up a lot of last night so I only got a few hours sleep- this seems to be what has gotten me into trouble (meaning in the hospital) so I thought it best to play it safe and stay home. Plus, I was (and still sort of am) in the pissiest of moods today. It's like, I was up off and on last night feeling so crummy and wondering if it was time yet and then boom...it just subsides. Grrr...
So I am napping off and on today and cleaning the house. Carpet in the baby's room will be installed on Monday so at least I can focus on decorating the nursery if I haven't had her by then. That is one thing I am really looking forward to.
Man, it still gets me that I am going to be a parent literally any day now. We'll all just have to learn together. Maybe I should be reading baby books and stuff but I'm just not interested right now. I think we'll have help from friends and family as we need it and we'll just take things day by day at first and will do the best we can. We've taken baby classes and I have plenty of magazines around the house (seems like every class gave us tons of literature and we got a huge packet when we registered!)
Ah.. back to cleaning. Contractions come on every time I get up and move now so it makes me feel productive in a number of ways!!
Three days have passed now and some of the contractions have gotten stronger and I'm a little more uncomfortable but nothing yet. I kind of regret knowing that I started having those contractions because time is passing so so slowly.
I have had little "freak outs" where I'll look around the house and see how disgusting it is and will then have to start cleaning like a mad woman...yes, I sound like a typical 9+ month pregnant woman. The house really was bad though since I have been unable to do much from being so sick- but it is slowly getting clean. Now my attitude about bed rest is- screw it! I'm going to clean and shop and walk and whatever else as long as I feel comfortable because I know this will help get things moving. I'm resting and monitoring things.
I think part of my little "freak out" episodes is this overwhelming anxiety about labor and about being a parent. Bringing in a newborn into this house and being responsible for it just seems overwhelming sometimes. Though, just recently babies on TV- especially little newborns are looking really cute to me and I sometimes daydream about her laying next to me on the couch. I am thinking this has to be all a part of the prep work my body and mind is doing right now.
I had not anticipated having to miss so much work and keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I probably should have gone in today but the contractions were actually painful enough to keep me up a lot of last night so I only got a few hours sleep- this seems to be what has gotten me into trouble (meaning in the hospital) so I thought it best to play it safe and stay home. Plus, I was (and still sort of am) in the pissiest of moods today. It's like, I was up off and on last night feeling so crummy and wondering if it was time yet and then boom...it just subsides. Grrr...
So I am napping off and on today and cleaning the house. Carpet in the baby's room will be installed on Monday so at least I can focus on decorating the nursery if I haven't had her by then. That is one thing I am really looking forward to.
Man, it still gets me that I am going to be a parent literally any day now. We'll all just have to learn together. Maybe I should be reading baby books and stuff but I'm just not interested right now. I think we'll have help from friends and family as we need it and we'll just take things day by day at first and will do the best we can. We've taken baby classes and I have plenty of magazines around the house (seems like every class gave us tons of literature and we got a huge packet when we registered!)
Ah.. back to cleaning. Contractions come on every time I get up and move now so it makes me feel productive in a number of ways!!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Oh, the weather outside is frightful
So the waiting game is on. Every little twinge is making me wonder...is this labor?
Just got over a horrendous bout of stomach flu that landed me in the hospital again. Am starting to feel better- though I don't know what better is at 91/2 months pregnant.
I decided to work on jewelry and kicked out a ton of stuff last night and this morning. Maybe I'll take some pictures and post them later.
Mr Manx is painting the baby's room and we were planning to get carpet installed this weekend but still haven't heard back from our guy. Bummer.
This morning I woke up early and decided to make coffee and work on jewelry. As I was sitting there I hear Mr. Manx's phone ring. I was hoping it was our cousin (the carpet layer) but it was not. I find out it's my mom calling his phone to tell him to not let me out of the house today due to the "black ice." Apparently my Aunt had already slid through an intersection before 9am.
So I checked out my favorite weather site http://www.weatherunderground.com/cgi-bin/findweather/getForecast?query=62704
and saw this.
Traffic crawling and sliding? I have never read this before but it cracked me up.
Maybe I'll try to go out when it gets warmer. I have beads and carpet to buy!!
Just got over a horrendous bout of stomach flu that landed me in the hospital again. Am starting to feel better- though I don't know what better is at 91/2 months pregnant.
I decided to work on jewelry and kicked out a ton of stuff last night and this morning. Maybe I'll take some pictures and post them later.
Mr Manx is painting the baby's room and we were planning to get carpet installed this weekend but still haven't heard back from our guy. Bummer.
This morning I woke up early and decided to make coffee and work on jewelry. As I was sitting there I hear Mr. Manx's phone ring. I was hoping it was our cousin (the carpet layer) but it was not. I find out it's my mom calling his phone to tell him to not let me out of the house today due to the "black ice." Apparently my Aunt had already slid through an intersection before 9am.
So I checked out my favorite weather site http://www.weatherunderground.com/cgi-bin/findweather/getForecast?query=62704
and saw this.
 | Local Storm Report | |
| 12/01/2007 0920 am Springfield, Sangamon County. Freezing rain u0.00 inch, reported by co-op observer. Traffic crawling and sliding in Springfield. | ||
Traffic crawling and sliding? I have never read this before but it cracked me up.
Maybe I'll try to go out when it gets warmer. I have beads and carpet to buy!!
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