Motherhood

I honestly have no idea if I have the time or desire to keep this thing up but I figure I got some shit on my mind so will share to all who are bored enough to read. All I can fit in before she wakes up hungry.

Motherhood...
What else do I have to write about right now?

I'll share some last thoughts about pregnancy first. I had no idea what a profound experience pregnancy and motherhood would be. Absolutely no idea. I knew I would love the little baby growing inside of me but maybe I was just a little stand off-ish due to the annoying complications I was experiencing. Frankly, I think I was really scared. My one goal was to just keep myself as healthy as I possibly could so that I could give my little fetus every chance to be as healthy as she could be. It helped to hear the doctor exclaim that she was thriving after each ultrasound. I had so many at the end- and enjoyed each one. Even the one I got when I had just gone into labor.

One thing about pregnancy that I enjoyed was to have no body image complex. I felt beautiful. I have struggled with my weight since I quit smoking and especially since our house fire that happened a few years ago. I think I just didn't care for a while...plus, my metabolism changed pretty drastically in my late 20's. I thank my genes for that one and my love for cooking great food. Seems like everyone else enjoys my cooking and I gain the weight for them!! Luckily, I had lost a bit of weight and had started exercising very regularly about a year or so before I got pregnant so was in pretty good shape for it.

Labor and delivery was the most difficult thing I have ever done and probably will ever do (unless I have another baby!) My water broke at 1am on my due date. My dog Zoie seemed to know it was going to happen. I was really emotional and just felt out of sorts all that day. I had been having contractions for about 2 weeks (that totally sucked) but things just felt different somehow. I had experienced so many false alarms that I didn't get too excited. The doctor was probably going to induce me on my due date so that whole day before was just filled with a range of emotions. Around midnight I decided to try to go to bed. Hons and I were laying in bed talking about things for a bit- I got pretty emotional and just started crying for some reason- I was really scared and ready for it all to be over. I felt so silly- I told him I had this overwhelming urge to go to the store to shop for groceries to get us stocked up. We laughed at how silly the image of me shopping frantically at midnight...10 months pregnant! Finally we figured we should get some sleep since I would most likely be having a baby the next day. Zoie had come into the bedroom with us, which was strange because we had pretty successfully got her to start sleeping in our front room in preparation for the new baby. She wouldn't leave me alone. At first, I thought it was because I was upset but we had started laughing at my emotional state and it didn't even calm her down. She laid down right next to the bed as close to me as she could get and stayed there when I tried to go to sleep- acting like a little nurse. It wasn't long and I got this strange feeling so walked into the bathroom - the dog had to follow me. I felt this "pop" - felt like my back popped?...strangest sensation...and my water broke.
I was so excited to say "honey, it's time" except he sat up a bit, said "ok" and laid back down. I had to say it again much more forcefully, including the fact that I was going to have this baby! He about jumped out of bed and started trying to throw on clothes. I told him to relax because I wasn't getting strong contractions. It was so funny to me though!

We called many family members- all of them had insisted to be called any time of day (or night) when it was "time." My Mom drove over to the house to follow us to the hospital and all of our dogs were strangely calm when she came in. So we headed off to the hospital and were able to take our time since my contractions weren't bad at all yet

It was so different than I expected. They wouldn't let me get out of bed since my water had broken. I was seriously pissed because I knew this would slow things down. And slow it was. After 8 hours they started me on pitocin. A nurse had mentioned that since I had previous surgery - things might be slowed down due to scar tissue and I might not dilate quickly. Well...that's exactly what happened.

The pitocin did it's job and the contractions started coming stronger and stronger. I tried a couple of hours of very hard labor without pain meds and then opted for this narcotic pain relief. I had a great time between contractions but it got to be nearly unbearable when they came. Turns out, they had upped my pitocin too much and I wasn't getting a break between contractions. So I said ok to an epidural. That epidural was the best decision I could have made. It was like heaven after the pain I had been experiencing.

Finally, things started progressing slowly and another 8 hours or so went by. Before I knew it they told me I was 10 cm dilated and that I could push. I won't bother to share the experience of 2 1/2 hours of pushing- it was pretty hellish. Though, when I was really close, the nurse told me to stop- that was the one time I really freaked out. My Mom and husband (my most awesome labor coaches) thought I was going to jump off that table after her. I remember that the urge to push was so overwhelming that I had to go into this meditative state. Everyone thought I passed out but I was psyching myself up to deliver her. I really didn't think that I had the strength to do it so had to pull strength from everything around me and stir this energy from deep inside myself. I came out of it ready to go and when I saw my doctor walk in I knew it wouldn't be long.

Watching my baby come out of me in that mirror above me was more than I can describe. I can't believe I did that!!! It was so vivid and surreal. It's like I was in someone else's body and was floating above myself at the same time. They handed her to me and I just stared- I didn't start crying immediately as I thought I would. She was perfect and didn't look too bad for a newborn (some are really funky!). It hit me about 10 minutes after I had her and the tears started pouring. All of us were crying and the love and amazement started to hit me.

The last 7+ weeks have been so wonderful. I can honestly say that I have a purpose in life now. The feeling of love is so overwhelming that it sometimes just overtakes me. I guess this is what they mean when they say unconditional love. My body somehow lets me know when she's hungry and the ability to feed her is more moving than I thought possible.

This is my birth story and I can't say I would do it again too soon but it is completely worth it...that's what every mother says and I agree completely.
She is calling me to eat. And I gladly stop whatever I'm doing...

Yea, yea, yea

Well...I am no longer waiting for my baby anymore! There has been a bit of a delay in posting a new blog (not like I was great at updating on a regular basis anyway!) Since the little one has arrived I've discovered that I have absolutely no time to write!
As of right now, she just started crying for me so I must wrap this up very quickly.

I am totally in love though- she's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to us and words just can't describe the feeling.

I will try to find more time and words to update later though.

Poor baby's getting rather upset and hungry (I am amazed at just how much they eat!) so so long for now!

Waiting Game

Been having mild contractions since Tuesday. They informed me that my contractions were 5 minutes apart when I was on the monitor and I didn't even realize I was having them. The doctor really thought I was going to have the baby soon.
Three days have passed now and some of the contractions have gotten stronger and I'm a little more uncomfortable but nothing yet. I kind of regret knowing that I started having those contractions because time is passing so so slowly.
I have had little "freak outs" where I'll look around the house and see how disgusting it is and will then have to start cleaning like a mad woman...yes, I sound like a typical 9+ month pregnant woman. The house really was bad though since I have been unable to do much from being so sick- but it is slowly getting clean. Now my attitude about bed rest is- screw it! I'm going to clean and shop and walk and whatever else as long as I feel comfortable because I know this will help get things moving. I'm resting and monitoring things.
I think part of my little "freak out" episodes is this overwhelming anxiety about labor and about being a parent. Bringing in a newborn into this house and being responsible for it just seems overwhelming sometimes. Though, just recently babies on TV- especially little newborns are looking really cute to me and I sometimes daydream about her laying next to me on the couch. I am thinking this has to be all a part of the prep work my body and mind is doing right now.
I had not anticipated having to miss so much work and keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I probably should have gone in today but the contractions were actually painful enough to keep me up a lot of last night so I only got a few hours sleep- this seems to be what has gotten me into trouble (meaning in the hospital) so I thought it best to play it safe and stay home. Plus, I was (and still sort of am) in the pissiest of moods today. It's like, I was up off and on last night feeling so crummy and wondering if it was time yet and then boom...it just subsides. Grrr...
So I am napping off and on today and cleaning the house. Carpet in the baby's room will be installed on Monday so at least I can focus on decorating the nursery if I haven't had her by then. That is one thing I am really looking forward to.
Man, it still gets me that I am going to be a parent literally any day now. We'll all just have to learn together. Maybe I should be reading baby books and stuff but I'm just not interested right now. I think we'll have help from friends and family as we need it and we'll just take things day by day at first and will do the best we can. We've taken baby classes and I have plenty of magazines around the house (seems like every class gave us tons of literature and we got a huge packet when we registered!)
Ah.. back to cleaning. Contractions come on every time I get up and move now so it makes me feel productive in a number of ways!!

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

So the waiting game is on. Every little twinge is making me wonder...is this labor?
Just got over a horrendous bout of stomach flu that landed me in the hospital again. Am starting to feel better- though I don't know what better is at 91/2 months pregnant.
I decided to work on jewelry and kicked out a ton of stuff last night and this morning. Maybe I'll take some pictures and post them later.
Mr Manx is painting the baby's room and we were planning to get carpet installed this weekend but still haven't heard back from our guy. Bummer.

This morning I woke up early and decided to make coffee and work on jewelry. As I was sitting there I hear Mr. Manx's phone ring. I was hoping it was our cousin (the carpet layer) but it was not. I find out it's my mom calling his phone to tell him to not let me out of the house today due to the "black ice." Apparently my Aunt had already slid through an intersection before 9am.
So I checked out my favorite weather site http://www.weatherunderground.com/cgi-bin/findweather/getForecast?query=62704
and saw this.

	Local Storm Report
12/01/2007 0920 am Springfield, Sangamon County. Freezing rain u0.00 inch, reported by co-op observer. Traffic crawling and sliding in Springfield.

Traffic crawling and sliding? I have never read this before but it cracked me up.

Maybe I'll try to go out when it gets warmer. I have beads and carpet to buy!!

Hero

I was feeling pretty cruddy last night so we watched some Hero's episodes (we prefer to watch them in blocks). I went to bed shortly after we finished a few episodes and I guess I was dreaming about it in between bathroom breaks.
My life seems to consist of checking my blood sugar, checking my blood pressure, checking for fetal movement and spending the majority of my time in the bathroom due to the fact the my bladder is now pretty much a squished pancake. I have to see a high risk pregnancy specialist today so that was making it a little more difficult to go back to sleep.
At one point, I tried to clear my mind of doctor related stuff and started thinking about hero's and what I would wish my super power to be. It dawned on me that it was simply to have this baby. This seems like a super feat in and of itself. I mean the whole concept of it just amazes me (and scares me).
So, for now, this is the super power I wish for. It seems like I will need super human strength in order to do this. Seems like I need all the strength I can muster to just get through this doctor stuff alone.

Update

Well, it's about 6am and I can't sleep. Figured I'd blog about what's been going on. Briefly, anyway.
Things have been pretty crazy lately. Went out last Saturday to celebrate and had a great time. The shower went great as well. Had a few friends come in from out of town for the shower/weekend and one very close friend flew in all the way from Pennsylvania! We got to spend some of the week with her which was awesome.

The sucky part was that I started showing signs of pre-eclampsia last week (nasty pregnancy related thing) and had to be hospitalized over night. Test results came back ok so they let me go home. Though, I just got out of the hospital again yesterday and am showing almost pre-pre-eclampsia signs now (whatever that means). So I have to take it pretty easy from now on and this is really bad because the baby's room still needs painted, need carpet put in, all the clothes washed, have to put the crib together, install the car seat and try to prepare myself for labor and delivery!

Looks like I might be looking at an induction pretty soon. The doc said if I go into labor now she wouldn't stop it. She also won't put me on blood pressure meds at this point- she'd just induce. So this has me kind of a nervous wreck- luckily, I'm too tired to be too nervous. Interesting, I'm tired- yet I can't sleep?

That's it for now. Poor Dad is worried about us- he's helping with everything and being a wonderful, supportive partner (even if his boss is not being so supportive).

Ginkgo

I had the privilege of walking by a ginkgo tree as it was shedding it's leaves today. Apparently, they shed all their leaves in a very short time span (sometimes in 1 day).
We walk by the tree almost every day, but today was different. There were all of a sudden so many leaves on the ground that you couldn't even see the sidewalk. The leaves emit a very strange odor.
I've been walking at lunch around the same area for a few years now and this was the first time I was able to witness this event. We stopped for a while and looked up at the magnificent tree and watched the leaves streaming down around us. Just seemed kind of cool.

Ginkgo trees fascinate me.

Here are a few interesting facts:

The Ginkgo tree is the sole surviving species of the family Ginkgoaceae and is the world’s oldest living tree. In fact it is so old that the Ginkgo tree links us to the plant world of over two hundred million years ago. For this reason it is often referred to as a ‘living fossil’ The Ginkgo is the sole living link between the lower and higher plants, between ferns and conifers.

During autumn, the leaves turn a bright yellow, then fall, sometimes within a short space of time (1–15 days)

Extreme examples of the Ginkgo's tenacity may be seen in Hiroshima, Japan, where four trees growing between 1–2 km from the 1945 atom bomb explosion were among the few living things in the area to survive the blast (photos & details). While almost all other plants (and animals) in the area were destroyed, the ginkgos, though charred, survived and were soon healthy again. The trees are alive to this day.

There are no native ginkgoes living in the wild. All wild trees were wiped out hundreds of thousands of years ago but human intervention has saved the modern tree.

Gingko biloba is most effective as a concentrated extract, found in either liquid or tablet form. It has beneficial effects on the circulatory system, particularly among the elderly. Studies have shown it can help in treatment of their short-term memory loss, headache, tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and depression by improving blood flow in the arteries and capillaries